How to Keep the Benefits of a Holiday or Retreat When You Get Home

Coming home after three months

These last three months I've been surprising my system with new people, new experiences, new places, and old ones I had missed.

Then I came back to Bali and faced the very tricky situation almost all my clients who join me for in-person work have. How am I going to sustain this amazing momentum? How am I going to actually use it? How do I make sure I bring some of the good, or most of the good, I experienced fully into my life?

Why the good feeling fades

First, the tough news: most likely, you won't be able to. We are fierce creatures of habit, and it just doesn't make sense for the deeper parts of our brain, the parts we don't really have control over, to change everything all at once.

The research agrees. A meta-analysis of 13 studies on holidays found that the well-being gains were gone after the first week back at work.

There's a second piece to it. Habits are cued by context: the room, the street, the people, the hour of the day. Behaviour researchers call this the habit discontinuity hypothesis. When the context changes, as it does when you travel or move, old habits loosen and there is suddenly room to do things differently. That's part of why we feel like a different person away from home.

The window closes, though. In one study of people who had just moved house, it lasted about three months. So when you come home, every old cue is waiting for you.

Around 43% of what we do day by day is habitual. Our brain loves it, because it can run on autopilot. I talk about how that machinery works, and why sheer will is not enough, in Habit Mastery: The Secret Weapon to Break Free.

What I did with what I couldn't bring home

For me, what I really wanted to keep was the freshness I felt from the climate. I cannot replicate that in Bali. As beautiful as Bali is, the climate is moist and hot. Not much I can do about that. So instead I asked myself: how can I make the most of the time when I get to enjoy the weather I like, and arrange my travels around it? That decision alone already gave me a good feeling.

Second, the beautiful connection I have with my good old friends. With my old friends, I can't carry them everywhere, but I will keep putting energy into those connections. I'm also making a dedicated effort to deepen my connections here. I had already started that before leaving and committed to continue it, so this one flows a little more easily.

Third, the feeling I get from swimming in the Mediterranean. Again, I cannot bring the sea with me. What I can do is build on the physical practices I started there.

In all three, I notice I'm building on an initial capital I already created. That's very important in habit hacking. Find the good stuff that worked for you and build on it, starting with what's easy. It's the same thing I teach as habit stacking: attach the new habit to something that's already working.

The flamenco shoes

One thing I knew for a fact: dance makes me happy. Somehow I couldn't find my groove here, and I had a feeling it would really help with a lot of things. Even after Sevilla, when I brought my flamenco shoes home, I still didn't wear them once. (Still optimistic, though. It can happen any moment.)

What worked was meeting an old friend who was visiting Bali and was super passionate about dance. I showed interest in a Kizomba retreat she wanted to join, and she basically didn't let it go until I showed up. First I was supposed to try it for a day. Then I decided to join for two full days. By the end I had completed all four days, at least half-time, which broke an eight-year curse of not being able to join any proper dance activity here.

Why the people around you shape your habits

In a nutshell: people around us influence us.

There's solid research behind this. Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler followed a network of more than 12,000 people over 32 years. A person's chance of smoking dropped by 67% when their spouse quit, 36% when a friend quit, and 34% when a co-worker quit. Their explanation is that social norms spread from person to person.

So if you want to make changes, spend time with people who are naturally engaged in what you want to immerse yourself in.

• If you want to build your business, connect more with people who are passionate about theirs.
• If you want to quit smoking or drinking, bring more sober people into your life, and avoid the places or friends that naturally ignite the urge to grab a drink.
• Or schedule yourself for something else at the time your body usually starts asking for that drink.

The honest part

I have to say, these three weeks haven't been the easiest. The jet lag was strong. The down after such a high time was strong. So was the tension of catching up with my life while trying to create a new, improved version of it here. Some things worked and some things didn't.

Yet I'm proud of my commitment, in these times, to keep evolving and updating my options.

Quick answers

How long does the post-holiday glow last?

In a meta-analysis of 13 studies, well-being gains were gone after the first week back at work.

Why do old habits return when you come home?

Habits are cued by context. Travel loosens them for a while; home brings every old cue back.

How do you keep a habit you started on holiday or retreat?

Build on what already worked and what's easiest to continue, and attach it to a habit you already have.

Do the people around you affect your habits?

Yes. In 32 years of data, people were 36% less likely to smoke when a friend quit.

→ Want to understand how habits form, and how to change them one at a time? Watch Habit Mastery: The Secret Weapon to Break Free on my YouTube channel.